Hey! Are You Joking With Me?


You’ve got to be joking!
What have you been toking?
On my laughter I’m choking;
As my funny bone you’re stroking.


Wyatt Earp chewed tobacco the clod;

Which conduced a habit quite odd.

When he spit out his chaw,

As he practiced his draw;

It was clear he’d be shooting his wad.

I didn’t break the rules.

I didn't break the rules.

They were already broken when I got here.

A politician is…

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

Monsanto and GMOs

Monsanto - If you're so proud of your products...Why Won't You Label Them?
Monsanto – If you’re so proud of your products…Why Won’t You Label Them?

Johnson Pup Tents

When you're going deep in the bush, it pays to have a Big Johnson. Are you joking?
When you’re going deep in the bush, it pays to have a Big Johnson.

Ya might check with these people….maybe? I dunno.

A company owner was asked a question, “How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?”

He smiled & replied, “It’s simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.”

 

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

There are three ways a man wears his hair – parted- unparted or departed

Cemetery
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?”
The mourner answered, “My wife’s first husband! … Why did you die? Why did you die?”

Bahahahaha! What?! Hey, I’m sure he’s only joking. <wink>

New Year's Resolutions.
New Year’s Resolutions.
Winter Solstice Celebration 2010 - Cathedral Of Hope - Dallas. See that bozo in the back with the mad hatter's hat and tie-dye shirt? Yeah, that weirdo is me. Lol.
Winter Solstice Celebration 2010 – Cathedral Of Hope – Dallas. See that bozo in the back with the mad hatter’s hat and tie-dye shirt? Yeah, that weirdo is me. Lol.

 

—————————– YUCK IT UP GROUP! ————————————-

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A man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

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THE PASTOR’S ASS

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: “PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.”

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race…

The next day, the local paper headline read: “BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.”

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey..


The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: “NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.”

The Bishop fainted!

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the papers read: “NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.”

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: “NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.”

The Bishop was buried the next day.

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket an the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.” “And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Now, Lucy?”

“Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

“That’s a fine story Lucy,” she continued. “Johnny, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with with the machete till the blade broke and then kill the last ten with his bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking.”

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I tried to log in on my iPad but it turns out it was an Etch-A-Sketch and I don’t own an iPad. Also, I am out of rum.

When women are cold vs. when guys are cold.
When women are cold vs. when guys are cold.
Remember kids! This isn't normal unless you're a reefer head. Hahaha!
Remember kids! This isn’t normal unless you’re a reefer head. Hahaha!

Enjoy and feel free to reply with some of your own!


More Quotes To Feed Your Head

Great quotes can inspire us, make us think, challenge us and amuse us. Here are some I have collected to share. Enjoy! 🙂

Some people create their own storms, then get upset when it rains. Quotes
Some people create their own storms, then get upset when it rains.

Some people do indeed seem to continually create their own storms, then get upset when it rains. Every action has a reaction folks. Just sayin’ . Think!

” Turns out you CAN fix stupid, but it takes forever because the parts are back-ordered due to high demand in Washington DC” – Ron White

​“We use our beauty, our cleverness, our charm to capture someone for a partnership, as if he were an animal. And then when he wants to get out of the cage, we’re furious. That doesn’t sound very caring to me. It’s not self-love.
“I want my husband to want what he wants. And I also notice that I don’t have a choice. That’s self-love. He does what he does, and I love that. That’s what I want, because when I’m at war with reality, it hurts.”
~ Byron Katie

“In times of change learners inherit the earth; while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists.” –Eric Hoffer

O Lord and Lady… through Thy Perfect Grace and Infinite Blessings, may we, Thy children, become as Stars shining on the Horizon of Guidance, Birds singing in the Rose Gardens of Immortality, Lions roaring in the Forests of Knowledge and Wisdom, and Whales swimming in the Oceans of Life.

A kind word never broke anyone's mouth. - Irish proverb
A kind word never broke anyone’s mouth. – Irish proverb

‘O Fintan,’ said he, ‘and Ireland, how has it been partitioned, where have things been therein?’

‘Easy to say,’ said Fintan: ‘knowledge in the west, battle in the north, prosperity in the east, music in the south, kingship in the centre’. ‘True indeed, O Fintan,’ said Trefuilngid, ‘thou art an excellent shanachie. It is thus that it has been, and will be for ever…’

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You may be powerful today, but time is more powerful than you.

What’s Funny And What’s Not

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Anyone who knows me well knows that I find a lot to laugh at in this world. Humor is all around us if we look for it and my own tastes in humor can be described as what more refined and civilized people may consider crass and offensive but to each their own. Despite my love of jokes about sex, religion, world views and other things which might be controversial there are some things I do not find funny.

Mean-spirited Jokes – You know the old running gag on Peanuts cartoons where Lucy holds the football and just as Charlie Brown runs up to kick it she snatches it away and he goes flying into the air and falls on his butt? Even as a kid, the first time I saw that, I asked my parents “Why did she do that to him?” I didn’t see why that was funny. It just seemed mean. Well, I feel that way about most jokes where someone is made the victim in a cruel or humiliating way. I enjoy pranks just fine. Things where someone gets scared or put into a weird situation to see how they react. That stuff is funny to me. You know, Candid Camera type gags. But those clips of people having accidents, falling down and whatnot? I find myself cringing and hoping they are okay more than anything. It’s not funny to me when people get hurt or may have been hurt. Now, if I see that they are okay, sure it’s fine to have a good laugh then.

Body Shaming Jokes – We all have a body and they come in all shapes and sizes. I have seen beautiful people who were short, tall, skinny or fat and many things in between. I don’t like those kinds of jokes that say stuff like “Why is she wearing that? She doesn’t have the body for that.” I find such jokes cruel and a form of bullying. If you don’t like what you see, you don’t have to look. But I don’t think anyone should be shamed into fitting your idea of what a perfect body should look like. I applaud people who shake off the cultural shackles and shine regardless of what body type they have.

Racist Jokes – Enough said. It ain’t funny if it’s cruel and mean spirited. Now, I will put the disclaimer in there that there are some very talented comedians out there who can joke about our differences in a way that we can all appreciate and laugh, even at ourselves. But when it’s degrading or demeaning to someone, I am not down with that.

I do enjoy jokes about religion, even if it’s about my own religion, but I will make the same disclaimer that I made with race jokes. If they are done in a way which causes us to laugh at our differences without being degrading or demeaning it is much preferred. I like to laugh at ideas and concepts as well as people in general. We human beings can be a funny lot if you step back and look at us from a casual observer’s point of view. But those aimed at a single, individual person, are not usually funny to me. I say not usually because there are a few who I feel have brought it on themselves by being huge assholes in the public eye (Think Fred Phelps, etc.) But the ones which single someone out and are cruel in nature; the ones that sometimes people will comment on with words that would make you feel terrible if someone were to say the same things about you. Yeah, that stuff is not funny folks.

I get many forms of humor which I have noticed some people don’t usually latch on to including satire, puns, slapstick and more. But cruelty? There’s nothing funny about that to me.