Hey! Are You Joking With Me?


You’ve got to be joking!
What have you been toking?
On my laughter I’m choking;
As my funny bone you’re stroking.


Wyatt Earp chewed tobacco the clod;

Which conduced a habit quite odd.

When he spit out his chaw,

As he practiced his draw;

It was clear he’d be shooting his wad.

I didn’t break the rules.

I didn't break the rules.

They were already broken when I got here.

A politician is…

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

Monsanto and GMOs

Monsanto - If you're so proud of your products...Why Won't You Label Them?
Monsanto – If you’re so proud of your products…Why Won’t You Label Them?

Johnson Pup Tents

When you're going deep in the bush, it pays to have a Big Johnson. Are you joking?
When you’re going deep in the bush, it pays to have a Big Johnson.

Ya might check with these people….maybe? I dunno.

A company owner was asked a question, “How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?”

He smiled & replied, “It’s simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.”

 

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

There are three ways a man wears his hair – parted- unparted or departed

Cemetery
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?”
The mourner answered, “My wife’s first husband! … Why did you die? Why did you die?”

Bahahahaha! What?! Hey, I’m sure he’s only joking. <wink>

New Year's Resolutions.
New Year’s Resolutions.
Winter Solstice Celebration 2010 - Cathedral Of Hope - Dallas. See that bozo in the back with the mad hatter's hat and tie-dye shirt? Yeah, that weirdo is me. Lol.
Winter Solstice Celebration 2010 – Cathedral Of Hope – Dallas. See that bozo in the back with the mad hatter’s hat and tie-dye shirt? Yeah, that weirdo is me. Lol.

 

—————————– YUCK IT UP GROUP! ————————————-

.

A man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

.

.

THE PASTOR’S ASS

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: “PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.”

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race…

The next day, the local paper headline read: “BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.”

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey..


The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: “NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.”

The Bishop fainted!

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the papers read: “NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.”

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: “NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.”

The Bishop was buried the next day.

.

.

.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket an the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.” “And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Now, Lucy?”

“Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

“That’s a fine story Lucy,” she continued. “Johnny, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with with the machete till the blade broke and then kill the last ten with his bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking.”

.

.

.

I tried to log in on my iPad but it turns out it was an Etch-A-Sketch and I don’t own an iPad. Also, I am out of rum.

When women are cold vs. when guys are cold.
When women are cold vs. when guys are cold.
Remember kids! This isn't normal unless you're a reefer head. Hahaha!
Remember kids! This isn’t normal unless you’re a reefer head. Hahaha!

Enjoy and feel free to reply with some of your own!


What’s Funny And What’s Not

image

Anyone who knows me well knows that I find a lot to laugh at in this world. Humor is all around us if we look for it and my own tastes in humor can be described as what more refined and civilized people may consider crass and offensive but to each their own. Despite my love of jokes about sex, religion, world views and other things which might be controversial there are some things I do not find funny.

Mean-spirited Jokes – You know the old running gag on Peanuts cartoons where Lucy holds the football and just as Charlie Brown runs up to kick it she snatches it away and he goes flying into the air and falls on his butt? Even as a kid, the first time I saw that, I asked my parents “Why did she do that to him?” I didn’t see why that was funny. It just seemed mean. Well, I feel that way about most jokes where someone is made the victim in a cruel or humiliating way. I enjoy pranks just fine. Things where someone gets scared or put into a weird situation to see how they react. That stuff is funny to me. You know, Candid Camera type gags. But those clips of people having accidents, falling down and whatnot? I find myself cringing and hoping they are okay more than anything. It’s not funny to me when people get hurt or may have been hurt. Now, if I see that they are okay, sure it’s fine to have a good laugh then.

Body Shaming Jokes – We all have a body and they come in all shapes and sizes. I have seen beautiful people who were short, tall, skinny or fat and many things in between. I don’t like those kinds of jokes that say stuff like “Why is she wearing that? She doesn’t have the body for that.” I find such jokes cruel and a form of bullying. If you don’t like what you see, you don’t have to look. But I don’t think anyone should be shamed into fitting your idea of what a perfect body should look like. I applaud people who shake off the cultural shackles and shine regardless of what body type they have.

Racist Jokes – Enough said. It ain’t funny if it’s cruel and mean spirited. Now, I will put the disclaimer in there that there are some very talented comedians out there who can joke about our differences in a way that we can all appreciate and laugh, even at ourselves. But when it’s degrading or demeaning to someone, I am not down with that.

I do enjoy jokes about religion, even if it’s about my own religion, but I will make the same disclaimer that I made with race jokes. If they are done in a way which causes us to laugh at our differences without being degrading or demeaning it is much preferred. I like to laugh at ideas and concepts as well as people in general. We human beings can be a funny lot if you step back and look at us from a casual observer’s point of view. But those aimed at a single, individual person, are not usually funny to me. I say not usually because there are a few who I feel have brought it on themselves by being huge assholes in the public eye (Think Fred Phelps, etc.) But the ones which single someone out and are cruel in nature; the ones that sometimes people will comment on with words that would make you feel terrible if someone were to say the same things about you. Yeah, that stuff is not funny folks.

I get many forms of humor which I have noticed some people don’t usually latch on to including satire, puns, slapstick and more. But cruelty? There’s nothing funny about that to me.

Tigger Full Moon Ritual – Blast From The Past

Tigger's Runny Hunny. - Or is it Pooh's?

Tigger’s Runny Hunny. – Or is it Pooh’s?Tiggers Full Moon Ritual, Grove of the Hundred Acre Wood.

Under the bright full moon, in the grove at the center of
the Hundred Acre Wood, the celebrants come together.
Pooh, as summoner, bids them to enter into the sacred place.

One by one, they file in and take their places around the
fire. And they wait, and wait and wait, and wait.

“Oh Bother!” says Pooh. “Our High Priest is not here.
However can we hold our ritual tonight?”

And they wait some more.

Then they hear a crash, and a crash and a crash and a crash,
and out of the brush explodes the High Priest.

“Wooohooohooohooo!!! Never fear! The night is clear, and
Tigger’s here! Tiggers run on Pagan Standard time you know! Now let the
ritual begin!!!”

He looks to his left, and takes rabbits hand. “Hand to hand
this circle is cast”

Rabbit turns to his left, to Owl. “Hand to hand, this circle is cast”

Owl turns, and reaches down to Piglet. “Ahem. Now from hand
to hand, in a most wonderous way, a way that has a history that
stretches back into the dawn of time, to when …”

“Oh yes. To you Piglet, hand to hand the circle is cast”.

Piglet turns to Eyore. “Hand to…uh….er…em.”

Eyore: “I don’t have any hands. I guesss I’m messing things
up once again” he pouts.

Piglet, tho he is a little fellow, feels up to any challenge.
“W w w w w well then, hand to ear the circle is cast my friend”.

And so, on it goes.

“Woohoohoohoo” says Tigger. “The circle is cast, our sacred space is
whole. So Mote it Be!! Woohoo!!” “So Mote it Be” reply the others.

“And now, why don’t we invite the elements to join us in our
celebration tonight? Rabbit?”

Rabbit: Guardians of the North, Element of Earth, wonderful
earth that gives forth carrots, oh beautious, joyous, wonderful carrots,
I invite you to join us in our celebration tonight. Hail, and Welcome”

“Hail and Welcome” repeats the group.

Owl: “Ahem!!!Guardians of the East, Element of Air, the
spirit of our intelligence and wisdom, of which I of course am a prime
example, well read and studious as I am, a font of knowledge as it were, the
source for any information you may need, the…”

“Ahem, er, yes, Element of Air, we invite you to join us tonight. Hail
and Welcome”.

“Hail and Welcome” repeats the group.

Piglet: “G g g guardians of the South, Element of Fire, I
invite you to join us tonight. I know I’m a little Piglet, but I have a
b b b big voice, and an even b b b bigger heart, s s so I know you’ will
hear m m m me. H h h h hail and Welcome”

“Hail and Welcome” repeats the group.

Eyore: ” Oh. I guess it’s my turn. Not that anyone would
really listen to me, but it’s my job so I’ll do it. Guardians of the
West, Element of Water, I suppose I should ask you to join us tonight. And
I’ll probably get all wet, and have to walk around all night, smelling like
wet fur. Oh well, Hail and Welcome I suppose”.

“Hail and Welccome repeats the group.

“Woohoohoohoo!!! Now, if our sister Kanga can call upon the lady?”

Kanga: “Blessed Lady, Goddess of the moonlight, Mother of us
all who keeps us as Joeys in the pouch of her world.

Oh, now Roo, you musn’t do that. You musn’t play with the
cleansing oil like that.

“But Mama……”

“Now roo, behave. Thank you. Now, Blessed Mother, you know
what children are like, so I’ll just go ahead and invite you to join
with us and lend your spirit to this joyous night. Hail and Welcome”.

“Woohoohoohoo!!!. The circle is cast. The Lady is with us.
Aint it just grand?” Tigger raises his arms to the sky, and starts to
twirl, and starts to bounce, and twirls and bounces, twirls and bounces, deasil
around the circle.

“Woohoohoohoo. The wonderful thing about witches, is witches
is wonderful things. They dance, they prance, they clap and sing.
They live a life of joy, peace and fun. But, the most wonderful thing
about witches is…I AiINT the only one.

The wonderful thing about witches, is witches is wonderful
folks. They’re serious when needed, but always quick with jokes. They
honor the Lord, they honor the Lady. They love to lay in a field and bask
in the sun, or under a tree where it’s shady. But, the most wonderful
thing about witches is, I AINT the only one.

The wonderful thing about Witches, is Witches have wonderful
souls. Their hearts will swell, they make folks well, and around
campfires, stories tell. They’re happy, clappy, sometimes sappy, and when they
don’t ground right, they’re often zappy, but the most wonderful thing about
Witches is……..I….AINT….The…..Only…..One. Woohoohoohoohoo.
Blessed Be!”

“Blessed Be” repeats the group.

“Oh, bother” says Pooh. “That is so silly. This is a ritual.
I don’t think we’re supposed to be silly, are we?”

“Au contraire my dear Pooh. Woohoohoo!!!. We are willy
nilly, and silly, but we are celebrating the joy in our hearts, the zest
for life that we have, the energy that we share. We heal our souls with
happy fun, we set our spirits free to run, we live the beauty of the moon and sun.
We’re Witches you know. hehehehe. Now, please bring forth the bread,
wine and honey so we can complete our blessed night”.

“Oh, Bother says Pooh. “The honey jar seems to be empty. I know there
was some here, when I checked its taste before ritual. Where ever could
it have gone? I guess I’ve ruined the ritual now. Oh bother, Oh whoa”.

“Woohoohoohoo, Christopher Robin is right you know, you
really ARE a silly old bear. We’re together, with each other and with
the Lady. Honey would be nice I’m sure, but our ritual was good and lovely and
pure. Perhaps next time tho, you could bring two jars? woohoohoohoo!!!

Now, take this cup, and take this bread, and with all being done and
said, we are sisters and brothers, from last to first. May you never hunger, may
you never thirst. Woohoohoohoo!!!”

And so the cup is passed, and the bread to share, and not one
thought given to a worldly care.

“Woohooohoohoo!!! And now, let us end our Full Moon Ritual.

Kanga?”

Kanga: “Thank you Tigger, and for behaving yourself, thank you Roo”.

“Oh, Mama!!”

Kanga: “Blessed Lady, we thank you for your presence with us
tonight, tho like the good Mother you are, you are always with us, at
least in our hearts. Go if you must, stay if you will. Hail and Farewell”.

“Hail and Farewell” repeats the group.

Eyore: “Well, Water, I didn’t think you’d come, but I guess
it’s nice that you did. Go if you must, and you probably will, stay if
you want to. Hail and Farewell”.

“Hail and Farewell” repeats the group.

Piglet: Element of Fire, I kn kn knew you would listen to
my c c c call. Thank you for c c c coming. Go if you must, stay if you
will. Hail and Farewell”.

“Hail and Farewell” repeats the group.

Owl: “Ahem!! Element of Air, I knew that you would come, as
I’m wont to know so many things, but I thank you none the less. Go if
you must, stay if you will. Hail and Farewell”.

“Hail and Farewell” repeats the group.

Rabbit: “Element of Earth, provider or carrots and cabbages
and many great things, I thank you for coming tonight. Go if you must,
stay if you will. Hail and Farewell”.

“Hail and Farewell” repeats the group.

“Woohoohoohoo. Just one more thing to do!! As hand to hand
the circle was cast, or hand to ear, or ear to hand, or from me to you
and you to me, it’s time from hand to hand the circle set free”.

Tigger turns to Pooh. “Hand to hand, the circle is opened”.
And so in widdershins, on it goes.

“Woohoohoohoo, and now we’re thru. Unlike my furniture, and many other things as well, the circle is open, yet never broken. So Mote It Be!!!”

“So Mote It Be!!!” shouts the group.

Tigger starts to bounce, the others to smile and look about.
“Now, music laughter and dance, this is it, this is your
chance. Tiggers are excellent drummers you know. Wohoohoohoo!!!!”

And the sounds of drumbeats and laughter are heard all thru the night and all thru the Hundred Acre Wood

Justin,
A.K.A. Loxley,
NYRF RULES!!!