You’ve got to be joking!
What have you been toking?
On my laughter I’m choking;
As my funny bone you’re stroking.
Wyatt Earp chewed tobacco the clod;
Which conduced a habit quite odd.
When he spit out his chaw,
As he practiced his draw;
It was clear he’d be shooting his wad.
I didn’t break the rules.
They were already broken when I got here.
A politician is…
Monsanto and GMOs
Johnson Pup Tents
Ya might check with these people….maybe? I dunno.
A company owner was asked a question, “How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?”
He smiled & replied, “It’s simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.”
Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.
There are three ways a man wears his hair – parted- unparted or departed
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?”
The mourner answered, “My wife’s first husband! … Why did you die? Why did you die?”
Bahahahaha! What?! Hey, I’m sure he’s only joking. <wink>
—————————– YUCK IT UP GROUP! ————————————-
A man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
THE PASTOR’S ASS
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: “PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.”
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race…
The next day, the local paper headline read: “BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.”
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey..
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: “NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.”
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read: “NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.”
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: “NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.”
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket an the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.” “And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”
“Very good,” said the teacher. “Now, Lucy?”
“Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”
“That’s a fine story Lucy,” she continued. “Johnny, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with with the machete till the blade broke and then kill the last ten with his bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”
“Don’t mess with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking.”
I tried to log in on my iPad but it turns out it was an Etch-A-Sketch and I don’t own an iPad. Also, I am out of rum.
Enjoy and feel free to reply with some of your own!